It’s not easy to talk to your parents with dementia. Many find it daunting and terrifying. Some confess they feel totally lost when trying to initiate a conversation. But that’s okay, that’s normal. The thing is that dementia is changing your parent’s brain in ways beyond their control. They’re not trying to be difficult. Knowing this can make you less frustrated and more patient. And there are things you can do to communicate better and make it easier for both of you. Note that early dementia may mimic schizophrenia or may initially have a psychiatric component. Therefore, a thorough diagnosis is the first step to starting treatment.
How to talk to a person with dementia?
Your communication style is your most valuable tool. Here are a few tips to enhance your conversation:
- Preparing for the conversation:
Before you talk with your parents, consider their feelings (e.g., sadness, anger, or fear).
- Choosing the right time and place:
Make sure you’re both seated comfortably and don’t rush the conversation. The timing and setting for your conversation are important. Find a quiet place where you will not be interrupted. Turn off the TV and put away your mobile phone. Consider your parents’ mood and physical condition. They may be calmer in the morning, though many people with dementia get more agitated as evening approaches.
- Keep conversation simple:
Keep your sentences short: one message at a time. Instead of saying “Let’s get ready to go to our appointment,” say “Please put on your shoes.” Then later ask them to put on their coat.
- Be patient when asking questions:
They may ask you the same questions repeatedly. Don’t chastise them. They don’t intend to be pests. They may not remember that they’ve asked a question before. Respond as if this is the first time they’ve asked, and be brief and to the point.
- Dealing with repeated questions:
- Be calm and patient
- Give the same answer over and over again
- See if they’re upset about something
- If necessary, distract them with an activity
- Don’t argue or correct:
If your parent says something wrong, don’t oppose them. For example, if they say they still have to go to work (though they may have been retired for years), don’t respond by saying, “You don’t work anymore.” Instead, say, “Tell me about your job” or “What do you like most about your work?”
- Stay with them on their time:
Sometimes your parent may believe they are in a different time or place. They may believe they are young again or that friends and family members, even if deceased, are still alive. Rather than correct them, try to understand the situation. If they begin to tell you stories about a visit from their mother (who may have been deceased for decades), you can calmly say, “Tell me about your mother,” or “What do you want to do when she gets here?” This may be more soothing to your parents than telling them that their mother is dead.
- Managing challenging moments:
Some times of the day can be more challenging than others. For example, your parent may become angry, fearful, or agitated. Try to remember that they are not trying to cause problems. They are having difficulty with their brains not working as they used to, and this can be frightening for them as well. When challenging moments arise, take a deep breath. You can also walk away and come back to talk to them later. Sometimes, leaving the room for a few minutes can help both you and your parent calm down.
- Ask for help:
Dementia care is certainly one of the toughest experiences anyone will ever have. However, you do not have to go through this alone. There are many healthcare professionals, such as a board-certified psychiatrist or neuropsychiatrist, who are equipped to handle caring for both the patient and the family. They understand how dementia affects the mind and how it can influence behavior and emotion.
Therefore, never feel like you are alone. Help is always available. In addition, you can reach out to a dementia caregiver’s community. Sharing your experience with others who are in the same boat can help you feel less isolated. You can also learn other ways to cope with challenging situations.
- Take care of yourself:
You cannot take good care of your parents if you are not taking good care of yourself. This includes proper nutrition and adequate rest. Dealing with your own frustration and anxiety as the parent of a patient is also a form of self-care.
The Takeaway
Communication with your parent with dementia requires patience and a lot of love. It can be done. Some days are definitely better than others. It is important to keep trying and ask for help when you need it. Do not worry if your parent does not remember what you have said. Dementia is full of changes, but it does not change the fact that you and your parent love each other. Although this is different, the presence of love still makes for a fulfilling parent-child relationship. Again, remember these things:
- Your feelings matter
- It’s okay to say you are scared and sad
- It’s okay to take a break when you want to
- It’s okay to spend time with a friend or family member and talk about your feelings
- It’s okay to ask for professional help. Now you have the benefit of seeking expert opinion from a dementia psychiatrist. Self-care is not selfish; it is necessary for a good life.
